Nothing to Fear Accept Fear Itself!

I would add that a life spent making mistakes is more honorable than a life spent in fear of what those mistakes can bring . . .

Fear paralyzes me, my words come out in stutters and my heart beats too fast. I awaken at 3 am and I'm sweating. I'm gripped with panic and feel a shift in my experience of life that I can explain to no one. I sit cross legged on the floor and begin taking very deep breaths. I focus on what's inside me. I listen to the sound of my own heart and repeat a personal mantra I found in some book I read or some website I surfed.

"Whatever happens is fine with me!"
"Whatever happens is fine with me!"
"Whatever happens is fine with me!"

A feeling of Peace begins to fill me up because I remember that I have been in this place before. I have been in situations where I was so afraid I could not breath, I could not talk and I had no idea what to do and when I let go of wanting to know the outcome miracles started to happen. In 12 step programs they say, "let go and let God!". I am a control freak and have no intention of letting some unseen force run my life. I can do it! I can make things happen! But those thoughts, (which should not be confused with creative inspiration), make my chest tighten and my breath quicken, and I feel tense and angry all the time.

So once, a long time ago, when I was in a very similar situation I decided to have a little talk with God. "God", I said, "If you really do exist and if you really are out there or part of me or whatever the fuck you are (I know it's bad to curse in the presence of God, but I didn't care), I can't do this anymore. If you want me and my daughter to live in a cardboard box out on a sidewalk somewhere than so be it, because I've had it," This whole conversation took place by the a way, a few days after I had tried to voluntarily check myself into our local psych ward, but even they wouldn't have me, so I felt rejected and really pissed, but kind of sane even in my nervous break down. Then, after that conversation I didn't think about it anymore and when thoughts of my problems crept in I dismissed them with a smirk, knowing that whatever happened was fine with me. Two weeks later I received $12,000.00 that I had been waiting on for a year. Then within a month a dear friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in a long while called me out of the blue to offer me some work and a lawyer friend of mine insisted I pursue getting my P.I. license and within the next 6 months my entire life changed.

Whenever the fear starts to paralyze me I breath deep and remember that when I let go of what I think I want and remember that I have always been guided or sometimes shoved kicking and screaming into another direction all the best things happen. It's my resistance to and fear of change that bind me in fear. It's acceptance of and moving forward in a new, possibly uncomfortable direction that will set me free. If you think about this I bet you can remember this happens in your life too . . .