Foreclosure as a Gift!

Sitting amidst the rubble of all that I collected in my life I began to look back at how it has all unfolded. I looked at how everything is cyclical and I noticed that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I've looked at the pieces finding journals from 1994 that could have been written by me last year. The same droning voice, the same complaints, the same desires, the same wishes, the same aspirations. I noticed how common it all was, like what I was writing about could have been written by anyone. We all do want the same things, don't we? Love, money, security, financial freedom, blah, blah, blah.

Then something unusual happened I noticed that I had stepped outside of myself as if watching a movie of my life roll by, screen by screen, moment by moment, one experience after another. Was this it, the culmination of my life's efforts? Was this my life work, to accumulate stuff? Then I just started laughing. Not the maniacal laughter of a person on the brink of exhaustion, (even though I was stupid tired & covered in dust), but the laughter of someone who has just realized that they take everything too seriously. Believe me I am serious about the effort of dislodging all that no longer serves me or others out of my life and I had many moments yesterday where I wanted to throw in the towel and run screaming into another dimension, but I didn't do it. I pushed through it! I pushed through the resistance of not wanting to face what I had created for myself and at the end of the day instead of crying I was laughing!

How had this happened? How had I stopped feeling sorry for myself? How had I re-framed my experience of foreclosure and impending bankruptcy from victim to victor, from experiencer to watcher? How could I think that foreclosure was a gift?

Several months ago I hit an all time low, what people in 12-step programs call,"hitting bottom", it's a dark, black ugly place that exists in your mind. It's a place where you can see no future and your past looks like a series of misadventures that can never be repaired. I had been there before, but this time I was inconsolable. There wasn't a pill I could take or a cookie I could eat or a story I could write that would evict me from the feeling that my life was no longer worth living. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to call someone I knew who was living a life of peace and contentment and ask her for help. It's hard for me to ask for help, my pride keeps me trapped, my ego gets in the way, my fear paralyzes me, but my spirit, pain in the ass that it is, keeps me going. I am still in the process of working out what is in my own best interest, but I've noticed that if I listen to my inner guidance it will kick me in the ass until I do the best thing for me. So yes, I swallowed that gigantic pill-o-pride with a vente' iced cafe mocha and called Maia Berens, one of the only people I know who can help me walk a more direct path through the journey of my life. Because if it's up to me I will build a brick room around myself with no windows and a thick steel door and label it, "I'm a victim of circumstance", lock myself inside and lose the key.

I'm sure she expected the call, but she knows that until the student is ready there is nothing she can do. So she sat in love and acceptance awaiting my willingness to open up to her teaching and when I did she made it easy for me. I am so grateful for that! I asked her if her offer for my attendance in You University was still open. I told her that my life had turned to shit and that I was willing to set aside my resistance and create a much needed change in my life. With an open heart and loving arms she accepted me. The work I have done and am still doing in her training program has created a shift in my experience of the world that can not be explained. I know I can laugh at myself now. I know I see my past in a different light and I know I love myself more and more each day. And right now, as I type these words, I see my current experience as a gift that will open my life to a journey of adventure that I had not been able to imagine a short time ago. I want to Thank you Maia for the gifts of your teaching!