Acting Out . . .

I can't believe he said that to me! His words echo in my ears, in my mind, around my brain. I can't turn them off. It hurts and nothing will stop my pain. I can't believe he did that to me! His actions play in my mind like a movie. I can recall where he was sitting. I see the vivid image of disgust written across his face like words on a page. I can't change the channel, but I want to. It feels like a knife in my heart. I tell myself that any other feeling would be better than this and then I convince myself that doing something to hurt him will take all my pain away.

I will make him pay for what he has done to me. I will punish him and he will know better next time. Defending myself feels good, yeah, I think I'll do that! But then I change my mind knowing that you catch more bees with honey, so I will sweet talk him, make him feel better, serve myself up on a platter so he will forgive me and if that doesn't work I will beg him for a second chance. I will tell him that I'm a human who makes mistakes and because he loves me he will forgive me and then I will watch my own behavior like a hawk so I never act out again. I will never act out again! I promise I will never do that again! I am consumed with pain, self hatred and worst of all shame. I am acting out like a 2 year old and have no idea why. And, it's uncontrollable, meaning I cannot stop myself or breathe it away.

That is how I used to act all the time. I had a rage churning inside me that nothing could rein in. I pointed it, mostly, at men, but often my daughter also received the brunt of that behavior and I have had a lot of regret about that. I've realized now that regret does nothing but offer up more shame so instead of acting out, when the rage or confusion comes up I do nothing. Yup, I do nothing at all and I wait and then I observe my emotions. Man, that's a mixed bag of crap to muddle through, because so many scenarios play out in my head. The Ultimate mind f**k of projections. What will the other person do if I do this. What will happen if I say this and it goes on and on, infinity.

But, it doesn't have to be that way. Well, it does and it doesn't there are tools I use to get me in touch with the complexity of my own mind. Journaling is one for me. Just writing down my random, screwed up thoughts in a notebook and then setting it aside. Calling a "sane" person to ground me. Someone NOT invested in the situation, who can see outside of it. The best thing for me is to watch my own behavior cycle round and round. I call it the groove and once I'm stuck in it, it takes a lot to dislodge myself from, but I do it and move on. Then several hours, or several days or several minutes later I am fine. Sometimes, just taking a shower will do it. I watched a segment of Tony Robbins where a person was standing in front of him telling their "story" and he took a glass of water and threw it in the person's face. It stopped them in their tracks. I thought it cruel at the time, but now I see it differently. I can throw a glass of water in my own face and stop my craziness too, but I have to do it. To stop acting out I have to take action, plain and true.

The beauty of me, some of my gifts, are my sensitivity, my complexity, my tenacity, the way I can see every side of a situation, my creativity, the love in my heart, the way my soul sings, the way I love, the way I see the world and these gifts can be used to undermine my own progress or they can be developed and used to accelerate my growth and be paid forward to help others see their own. The choice as always is mine. What will you choose?