Letting Go - You Just Know!

But how do you know? Me, I have an addictive personality and knowing that requires me to monitor myself constantly. I hate it! I hate having to examine every decision, every relationship, every bite of food I put into my mouth. Let me rephrase. I did hate it, but I'm getting used to it, because I have found that myself always knows what's right and what's good and what I should do, but I don't want to do it because the way I've always done it feels more comfortable. I know it's going to sound weird, but pain has been my comfort zone. Disliking myself has been my norm and thinking I don't deserve everything I desire wrapped in a bow has been my M.O., huh that rhymed. Anyway, some wise person said, "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got!"

Up until recently you could have posted my picture next to that quote with a giant read arrow pointing at my head and mostly it had to do with quote, Love relationships, but at this moment I see things so much differently. I am also a "Love Addict", or I should say an un-love addict. Falling in hopeless obsession with with every emotionally unavailable man I could find and then watching the relationship turn into a train wreck while he cheated on me behind my back. But the thing is I knew, but I didn't want to know, but I knew, but I didn't want to know. So I would turn myself into a Barbie or a pretzel or a workaholic or a bitch or whatever it was I thought he wanted just so he would love me. Then I found that if you looked up the word obsession in the dictionary my photo was planted right next to it as well, and I had to take a good solid look at what I was doing to myself, how much of my life I was wasting on these thoughts and I decided to stay single for 3 years while I healed or thought I was healing my addiction, and then I started dating again knowing I was a better, brighter person, who couldn't possibly repeat the same mistakes again. Stop here and insert the word NOT into the life lessons column and then read on, because real healing requires real testing and real tests can be failed. And, those tests will be repeated until you get it right.

When your gut tells you that something is wrong hear it, feel it and act with it because deep down in the recesses of your soul you just know, but if you always do what you've always done you will always get what you always got. Of course if you want more of the same have at it! But I like the feeling of being loved, and I could not have known what it really felt like to be loved if I had not been in relationships with people who did not love me, because when someone loves you there are no questions, no need to obsess, wonder or monitor. You just know! So, oddly, I want to Thank every person who has treated me like shit, cheated on me, or used me for their own convenience because without them I would never have learned what real love is!

What does any of this have to do with being foreclosed upon? How about everything! My model of security was skewed! I thought if I had the American Dream I would never ask for anything more, but you will always want more until you are secure with yourself, until you stop looking outside yourself for answers. I have found that I don't want any of it and I never did. I thought that if others saw me as independent, hard working, uber responsible and gorgeous it would all be plopped in my lap and I would be secure, but once that illusion was shattered I saw that I could ask for love and get it, there's a big surprise! I could ask for help and get it and that the people who really loved me would show up in droves to help me out. And so I just know that letting go of that clinging, needy feeling that keeps me bound to my past is the only way to really move forward. So I say let go of what you think you want and watch the miracles happen!