Lawn Mowers & Hot Coffee

It started yesterday afternoon when I decided I would try to mow my lawn into shapes, well patterns, well anything different! I had gotten valid instructions at a party I went to on Saturday, but I never did write them down. I mean how hard can it be to mow your lawn in a figure 8 pattern? Doing that, I was told, would create the illusion of a checker board. Oh, good fun for me! I get bored mowing in circles all the time, but my lawn is more weed than grass so I wondered what it would actually look like. Hoping for that well manicured baseball field look I set out on a mission. That mission soon failed terribly and I resorted back to circular mowing.

The difficulty of changing patterns in lawn mowing and in life can be daunting. Ick, I hate change! I know, the only constant in life is change and I can tell myself that over and over again. Maybe it was the heat, the sweat running down my back or the impending storm clouds that sent me into a pit of despair. But all of a sudden I felt a tremendous weight inside, you know what I mean? Like WTF, what is my purpose? Why the Hell am I here? And why did I sign on to mow lawns or write blogs or interact with others? How can I remain upbeat when everything in my life is up in the air? How can I maintain a consistent mental attitude of forward motion and acceptance of change when all I want to do is lay by the beach and sip lemonade? Then euphemisms began popping into my thoughts, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" I shouted back, take your lemonade and shove it up your a$$! But why do I fight with myself, or some poor slob who invented a universal phrase that is intended to change the way we look at things? Why am I so angry?

Ah, finally the real question comes to mind! Why am I so angry? What do I have to be angry about? Starting over? That's a good one! Putting myself in this position? Another good one! Being a bad money manager? Top-o-the-list! What have I learned? Hmmm? What have I learned? Doesn't seem like much yet! I'm still mowing in circles! Will I attempt to fashion my front lawn into a checker board again? Yes, I think I will. Not because I really want checker board shapes in my lawn, although it would be fun to look at, but because often when I try something new for the first time I fail miserably! I was watching some video on inspiring people and Thomas Edison was mentioned way too many times, but the thing is, and I didn't know this, it took him a thousand tries to master the light bulb. A thousand tries? That's a sweaty thought! And I think a better person to look at when we examine the genius in history is Nicola Tesla who was the real inventor, the real visionary who never got the credit he deserved, but that didn't stop him from continuing his work!

See, we are all a lot like children we want that reward. Oh, if I do this I will be rewarded by that big Mommy or Daddy in the sky. Other people will think I'm great and I will get all this praise. You know the drill. But the real deal is this, if you get enjoyment out of mowing your lawn in shapes or developing electricity or changing the world with Hot Coffee, than just do it, even if nobody is watching, even if nobody cares, even if you are the only one who is looking, because at the end of the day all you've got is You! Look at your own lawn and smile! Stare out your own window into the breaking dawn and give yourself a big hug. Create what you want to create and be happy in that accomplishment and be happy in your perceived failure. Why? Because it just feels good! And, never ever quit!

Curiosity?

This just in . . . I have a lot of questions and no amount of internet surfing has disclosed the answers. Can that still happen? Or am I just a notoriously bad surfer?

The way I see it there has got to be a way to find out what I want to know. There does not seem to be a compendium on how people feel after foreclosure. You can find your brief story on what it is like when someone is going through foreclosure, but wheres the follow-up? Inquiring minds want to know! It's just like the movies, you're left wondering WTF? Are they still together? Are they happy, sad, indifferent? Are they relieved, dancing, distressed, consuming cat food? Hello? This is important stuff!

Believe you me, I am not making light of the situation. I just want to know what happened to the people? All I get in a google search is technical stuff, and even when I do a search for stories, I get nothing but current situations and a little story with a lotta judgment! Is there anybody out there who wants to talk to me about how their lives are now. Were there any gifts in the situation? Or does it get worse over time? There are a few and I have read them and will be contacting the posters, but in lieu of that, well I just want to know!

So now I am in search of stories! If you know of anyone who has gone through foreclosure and is willing and or wants to talk about it can you please have them contact me? Or, if you can think of any creative ways I can locate and talk to people about this I would be very interested. My creative is at an all time low, so any help would be greatly appreciated!

Courage Lives in the Heart

Yeah, I was looking for images to upload on Courage, and honest to goodness what I found was nothing but crap, really honestly and so I took this one. It really made me wonder about my own definition of courage, so I looked up the word "Optimism" in the dictionary, this is what I found to be germane to this particular thought process: an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome. Then I had to look up the word germane, (cuz we all know I just can't spell), before I looked up the word courage, because God forbid, I can't make a mistake. But anyway, Courage is defined as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. So is optimism the foundation of courage? In my life I would have to answer a resounding NO! I mean what is the sound of one hand clapping?

It feels to me like the most courageous acts have been taken by sheer will and lack of other choices. Like coming up against a concrete wall and banging my head until the pain was no longer bearable. I also didn't see them as being courageous, but was informed later, by others that they had been. Optimism was not an option and for someone like me, however happy pappy I sound, never has been. I fight with optimism. I slap it in the face and keep on slapping until it turns and walks away, and still I have courage. Or as I have been told on many occasions, "That took a lot of balls!" Of course we all know, I was born without testicles and why having courage is relegated to those with testosterone is beyond me. So I'm gonna say, it took a lot of ovaries and of those I have 2, so truly, hormones have no place in any conversation about courage.

True courage lives in the heart of a person. True courage takes self examination, self responsibility and the willingness to own up to your mistakes. True courage comes in admitting you don't have all the answers. True courage is being able to humble yourself in the presence of others. True courage is forgiveness in it's highest form. True courage is doing the right thing in circumstances where your ego would have the better of you. True courage is being open and honest to the best of your ability without hurting another, without shaming another. True courage is about knowing when to stay and when to walk away, it's about navigating in a world with others instead of slamming up against them until they break. True courage is never forcing your will upon another, it about leading by example and being decent and kind in as much measure as possible. It's about knowing when you are lying and manipulating and finagling to get what you want without once wondering if it is the best for everyone involved. I've been there and I've done that and I've given it up because in my heart I know it's just wrong. And we all, well most of us, have that inner compass too. True courage is about tuning into that inner compass and doing what's right for everyone even if it hurts . . .

Finding Gifts in Silence

I do my best work when it's quiet, when there are no sounds to distract, when there is no music playing and when I still the random, useless thoughts in my head. I wait for words to come, to type on this page and they always do.

I've been given the gift of living in solitude, to choose the sounds I want, to choose what I want to look at and surround myself with. I've been given the gift of introspection, a pathway towards inner peace. I have noticed that I can go into myself even in a crowded place and simply observe what goes on, but when I do this an odd thing happens, people ask me what's wrong. People ask me if I'm okay simply because I am not saying anything, simply because I am quiet and calm. But why does this happen? Is it difficult to be quiet? Is it hard to look for quiet spaces away from the endless chatter that surrounds us, the endless humming of machines, and TV's and leaf blowers? Or maybe we just get used to the sounds, a constant droning hum that plays in the background of our lives and we look for comfort there. For even if we sit on a mountain top we hear the wind, we hear the birds, we hear life. I just like to keep it down to a bare minimum, because I feel more peaceful with less stimulus.

I know most people don't feel like that and sometimes this knowledge makes me feel very different in a world of high pitched sounds and fast paces and constant chatter. My favorite people are the ones who I can sit in silence with. We feel comfortable enough with each other to say nothing at all, to just be and do and smile. It's a comfort beyond words and I notice it, but it's rare. I notice I feel pulled to converse, to fill the silence with anything. Then I will stop myself and just see what happens when I don't say anything at all, when I let the silence expand and I listen. I give my full attention to the other person and strange, wonderful experiences occur. When I am silent and open people speak to me, they allow me to be the place they come to be heard and that is another gift.

I have been counting my gifts today and when I seek them out I can find them everywhere. I have been finding them in hidden places I had not looked before, because while I'm Thankful for the obvious I am also Thankful for being me, for being different.

What about you makes you Thankful for being who you are?

Your Best Friend is in the Mirror!

And the corn just keeps on coming! I suppose one would postulate that a person who is going through a foreclosure would write about doom & gloom, which I do, or about technicalities and processes, which I hate, and probably what people who have a common interest would want to read about, but I don't have all those technical details yet. I could fill you with weird fears by linking to this kind of reading at the Huffington Post. Or I could fill you with the idea that some people really do think of everything by direct linking you to Foreclosed Upon Pets, who knew? Which is helpful because what if you can't take that pet when you move? Or I could fill these pages with seeming triumphs over that big brother bank who makes a lot of mistakes. But, dag-nab-it can you not Google that yourself?

No! What I want to do is offer people a way through despair instead of helping them dig in deeper! Because we can all clutch at our own throats until we gag, this is the common coping mechanism, and to be very honest my general mode of thinking, since as they say misery loves company. I just hate miserable company. You know those types who drone on and on about how bad it all is and it just keeps getting worse until all you hear them saying is blah, blah, blah. And you know it's coming, you can feel it coming and you wait for it and then slap yourself around for having put yourself in that position, yet again.

But, and it's a big but, (no not butt!), what if you were to find opportunity in foreclosure. Closure in foreclosure and new beginnings. That's a Happy Pappy way to look at it. I have had glimpses and it's a shiny place off in the distance while I get the paperwork in order, the box loads in order and my mind in order. In the meantime I will make friends with myself! Yup it's me who I wake up to and it's me who I go to bed with at night and it's I who stares back at me in the mirror.

I was having a quite wonderful conversation with Maia on the phone yesterday and we were talking an laughing about the way children see themselves. I direct you back to "Jessica's Daily Affirmation", and remembering back to that time when you were young and you looked at yourself in the mirror and that reflection was amazing. It wasn't stunted by society's view of your chubby fingers, or your cute, fat ass, or your tosselled hair. Hells no! It was just you in wonderment of what you were. You might point at your reflection to see what happened. You might turn around or hold up a foot, but you never, ever judged it.

You are a thing of beauty. A body of evidence that miracles happen. Mirror work can be daunting after all our years of self hatred. Just sitting there looking at a reflection that stares back, battle scars and all. It also can be very fulfilling to become comfortable with yourself. Comfortable with that bulge or blemish or whatever you focus on, but over time you can become your own best friend. You can become your own best counsel. You can become your own biggest fan and the depth of who you really are will glare back at you with a loving smile and open heart.

I wish that for everyone and I wish it the most for those of us who judge ourselves unreasonably, especially around economic mistakes, because you can choose to be your own worst enemy or you own best friend!

Your Life As A Movie

Do you ever sit around and get stuck in it? Your life that is? I know I do, especially now with all the decisions I have to make, and the road blocks that keep getting thrown up. Seems it's just not that simple to get rid of stuff. I remember a time when you could call someone and they would come and buy the contents of your house, but that just ain't so anymore. You have your antique snobs. You have your yard sale kleptos. And anymore you can't give the stuff away. I guess at this point there is just too much stuff in the world. 2 or 3 people at my yard sale told me they didn't see anything they couldn't live without, I hear that. And in the meantime I'm still living amongst boxes.

You know how you start out on a journey? You decide to go somewhere, you make a plan, map it out and begin the trip. The road unfolds in front of you for miles and then you see a detour, or a pit stop and you are stopped in your tracks. You can't move forward and you can't turn around because you are determined to get where you are going. So you wait and you tackle the first block and then the second, but you can't seem to navigate the next one which feels like a lay over in an unknown place. Everything is the same and everything is different and you begin to wonder what to do, so you wait. You wait for inspiration. You wait for clarity. You ask for directions. You can see what's on the other side, but the wall still remains. Too high to jump. Too wide to navigate around and you're stumped.

Sitting and waiting provides you with time to rewind the movie that is your life. You can look back on all that you've done. You can see what's gotten you here, but the film has already been produced. You can't edit, even though you'd like to. You view the happy, the sad, the boring, the mundane, the significant and it's opposite. What did you create? What did I create? Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it a mystery? Is it an action flick? For me it's been all and then some, but now I want to create an independent film. I can write the script and visualize the story in my mind and then produce it. I will need backers. I will need people to share my vision with. I will need funding sources. I will need a plan for road blocks and weather conditions. I will need tenacity and creativity and imagination, but most of all I will need a kick in the ass to get me started, because I'm feeling kind of stuck. It's all up in the air and if I could manage to get a few things to come together I would be able to start rolling again. For now I will get out paper and pen and write something, because that's how I roll.

Thoughts are creating our Future - Louise L. Hay

It's been raining here for days, well 2 days, but it feels like days upon days especially since I am wanting to get things done, and the rain and dark gloom that comes with it makes me kind of sleepy and it's hard for me to go outside and play. There's a window close to my bed that streams light as the sun rises and it helps to get me moving, but on dark days it's absence sets me back a bit. And I start to get grumpy. I start to wish for sunshine and I start this inner monologue that sounds something like, "Shit it's raining again, now I won't get to accomplish all those things I wanted to do outside. I won't be able to take my walk. I won't be able to work in the yard, I won't, I won't, I won't, blah, blah, blah!" Then I am immediately irritable and feel like I am living inside some part of the movie, "Seven". Then inevitably more darkness prevails and I don't want to do a f-ing thing! But imagine the cumulative effect this thinking can have on my life when I react this way every single time it rains. It's been raining quite a bit here and I clearly don't want those thoughts shooting out into a universe that hears everything I say and then creates it for me!

And there's another part that is hidden deeper inside, it says all of this universal creation stuff is just crap and you are looking for some way to avoid the reality, searching, clinging, reaching for an answer to why things are the way they are so you will look for it somewhere on Youtube in a lame attempt to make yourself feel better and stay in denial of the circumstances that surround you. I know it's a run on sentence, but that's how it plays, lack of punctuation and all. And, but the thing is, does it matter if it's all crap or untrue or made up fantasy? I am allowed to believe what I want. I am allowed to choose how I will see the world and the way I want to see it is in better company with my own thoughts about everything. I think my willingness to see a brighter, prettier side of life is what has kept me going through ordeals that would put most people in a mental ward. And if I want to stand before a mirror on a daily basis and tell myself I love me I will do it! Because the opposite of that is sitting around feeling sorry for myself and having done quite a lot of that over the years I can see where that has gotten me to.

Why not choose the brighter side of life? Why not do something that enhances the way you see yourself instead of the other? Can it hurt? I doubt it! Can it make you feel silly sometimes? Probably! But silly is better than sad and scowling and angry. Plus it feels happier and funny! Being too serious about life is the best way to ruin it! All we ever have is this moment so why not have fun?