Lawn Mowers & Hot Coffee

It started yesterday afternoon when I decided I would try to mow my lawn into shapes, well patterns, well anything different! I had gotten valid instructions at a party I went to on Saturday, but I never did write them down. I mean how hard can it be to mow your lawn in a figure 8 pattern? Doing that, I was told, would create the illusion of a checker board. Oh, good fun for me! I get bored mowing in circles all the time, but my lawn is more weed than grass so I wondered what it would actually look like. Hoping for that well manicured baseball field look I set out on a mission. That mission soon failed terribly and I resorted back to circular mowing.

The difficulty of changing patterns in lawn mowing and in life can be daunting. Ick, I hate change! I know, the only constant in life is change and I can tell myself that over and over again. Maybe it was the heat, the sweat running down my back or the impending storm clouds that sent me into a pit of despair. But all of a sudden I felt a tremendous weight inside, you know what I mean? Like WTF, what is my purpose? Why the Hell am I here? And why did I sign on to mow lawns or write blogs or interact with others? How can I remain upbeat when everything in my life is up in the air? How can I maintain a consistent mental attitude of forward motion and acceptance of change when all I want to do is lay by the beach and sip lemonade? Then euphemisms began popping into my thoughts, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" I shouted back, take your lemonade and shove it up your a$$! But why do I fight with myself, or some poor slob who invented a universal phrase that is intended to change the way we look at things? Why am I so angry?

Ah, finally the real question comes to mind! Why am I so angry? What do I have to be angry about? Starting over? That's a good one! Putting myself in this position? Another good one! Being a bad money manager? Top-o-the-list! What have I learned? Hmmm? What have I learned? Doesn't seem like much yet! I'm still mowing in circles! Will I attempt to fashion my front lawn into a checker board again? Yes, I think I will. Not because I really want checker board shapes in my lawn, although it would be fun to look at, but because often when I try something new for the first time I fail miserably! I was watching some video on inspiring people and Thomas Edison was mentioned way too many times, but the thing is, and I didn't know this, it took him a thousand tries to master the light bulb. A thousand tries? That's a sweaty thought! And I think a better person to look at when we examine the genius in history is Nicola Tesla who was the real inventor, the real visionary who never got the credit he deserved, but that didn't stop him from continuing his work!

See, we are all a lot like children we want that reward. Oh, if I do this I will be rewarded by that big Mommy or Daddy in the sky. Other people will think I'm great and I will get all this praise. You know the drill. But the real deal is this, if you get enjoyment out of mowing your lawn in shapes or developing electricity or changing the world with Hot Coffee, than just do it, even if nobody is watching, even if nobody cares, even if you are the only one who is looking, because at the end of the day all you've got is You! Look at your own lawn and smile! Stare out your own window into the breaking dawn and give yourself a big hug. Create what you want to create and be happy in that accomplishment and be happy in your perceived failure. Why? Because it just feels good! And, never ever quit!

Curiosity?

This just in . . . I have a lot of questions and no amount of internet surfing has disclosed the answers. Can that still happen? Or am I just a notoriously bad surfer?

The way I see it there has got to be a way to find out what I want to know. There does not seem to be a compendium on how people feel after foreclosure. You can find your brief story on what it is like when someone is going through foreclosure, but wheres the follow-up? Inquiring minds want to know! It's just like the movies, you're left wondering WTF? Are they still together? Are they happy, sad, indifferent? Are they relieved, dancing, distressed, consuming cat food? Hello? This is important stuff!

Believe you me, I am not making light of the situation. I just want to know what happened to the people? All I get in a google search is technical stuff, and even when I do a search for stories, I get nothing but current situations and a little story with a lotta judgment! Is there anybody out there who wants to talk to me about how their lives are now. Were there any gifts in the situation? Or does it get worse over time? There are a few and I have read them and will be contacting the posters, but in lieu of that, well I just want to know!

So now I am in search of stories! If you know of anyone who has gone through foreclosure and is willing and or wants to talk about it can you please have them contact me? Or, if you can think of any creative ways I can locate and talk to people about this I would be very interested. My creative is at an all time low, so any help would be greatly appreciated!

Courage Lives in the Heart

Yeah, I was looking for images to upload on Courage, and honest to goodness what I found was nothing but crap, really honestly and so I took this one. It really made me wonder about my own definition of courage, so I looked up the word "Optimism" in the dictionary, this is what I found to be germane to this particular thought process: an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome. Then I had to look up the word germane, (cuz we all know I just can't spell), before I looked up the word courage, because God forbid, I can't make a mistake. But anyway, Courage is defined as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. So is optimism the foundation of courage? In my life I would have to answer a resounding NO! I mean what is the sound of one hand clapping?

It feels to me like the most courageous acts have been taken by sheer will and lack of other choices. Like coming up against a concrete wall and banging my head until the pain was no longer bearable. I also didn't see them as being courageous, but was informed later, by others that they had been. Optimism was not an option and for someone like me, however happy pappy I sound, never has been. I fight with optimism. I slap it in the face and keep on slapping until it turns and walks away, and still I have courage. Or as I have been told on many occasions, "That took a lot of balls!" Of course we all know, I was born without testicles and why having courage is relegated to those with testosterone is beyond me. So I'm gonna say, it took a lot of ovaries and of those I have 2, so truly, hormones have no place in any conversation about courage.

True courage lives in the heart of a person. True courage takes self examination, self responsibility and the willingness to own up to your mistakes. True courage comes in admitting you don't have all the answers. True courage is being able to humble yourself in the presence of others. True courage is forgiveness in it's highest form. True courage is doing the right thing in circumstances where your ego would have the better of you. True courage is being open and honest to the best of your ability without hurting another, without shaming another. True courage is about knowing when to stay and when to walk away, it's about navigating in a world with others instead of slamming up against them until they break. True courage is never forcing your will upon another, it about leading by example and being decent and kind in as much measure as possible. It's about knowing when you are lying and manipulating and finagling to get what you want without once wondering if it is the best for everyone involved. I've been there and I've done that and I've given it up because in my heart I know it's just wrong. And we all, well most of us, have that inner compass too. True courage is about tuning into that inner compass and doing what's right for everyone even if it hurts . . .

Finding Gifts in Silence

I do my best work when it's quiet, when there are no sounds to distract, when there is no music playing and when I still the random, useless thoughts in my head. I wait for words to come, to type on this page and they always do.

I've been given the gift of living in solitude, to choose the sounds I want, to choose what I want to look at and surround myself with. I've been given the gift of introspection, a pathway towards inner peace. I have noticed that I can go into myself even in a crowded place and simply observe what goes on, but when I do this an odd thing happens, people ask me what's wrong. People ask me if I'm okay simply because I am not saying anything, simply because I am quiet and calm. But why does this happen? Is it difficult to be quiet? Is it hard to look for quiet spaces away from the endless chatter that surrounds us, the endless humming of machines, and TV's and leaf blowers? Or maybe we just get used to the sounds, a constant droning hum that plays in the background of our lives and we look for comfort there. For even if we sit on a mountain top we hear the wind, we hear the birds, we hear life. I just like to keep it down to a bare minimum, because I feel more peaceful with less stimulus.

I know most people don't feel like that and sometimes this knowledge makes me feel very different in a world of high pitched sounds and fast paces and constant chatter. My favorite people are the ones who I can sit in silence with. We feel comfortable enough with each other to say nothing at all, to just be and do and smile. It's a comfort beyond words and I notice it, but it's rare. I notice I feel pulled to converse, to fill the silence with anything. Then I will stop myself and just see what happens when I don't say anything at all, when I let the silence expand and I listen. I give my full attention to the other person and strange, wonderful experiences occur. When I am silent and open people speak to me, they allow me to be the place they come to be heard and that is another gift.

I have been counting my gifts today and when I seek them out I can find them everywhere. I have been finding them in hidden places I had not looked before, because while I'm Thankful for the obvious I am also Thankful for being me, for being different.

What about you makes you Thankful for being who you are?

Your Best Friend is in the Mirror!

And the corn just keeps on coming! I suppose one would postulate that a person who is going through a foreclosure would write about doom & gloom, which I do, or about technicalities and processes, which I hate, and probably what people who have a common interest would want to read about, but I don't have all those technical details yet. I could fill you with weird fears by linking to this kind of reading at the Huffington Post. Or I could fill you with the idea that some people really do think of everything by direct linking you to Foreclosed Upon Pets, who knew? Which is helpful because what if you can't take that pet when you move? Or I could fill these pages with seeming triumphs over that big brother bank who makes a lot of mistakes. But, dag-nab-it can you not Google that yourself?

No! What I want to do is offer people a way through despair instead of helping them dig in deeper! Because we can all clutch at our own throats until we gag, this is the common coping mechanism, and to be very honest my general mode of thinking, since as they say misery loves company. I just hate miserable company. You know those types who drone on and on about how bad it all is and it just keeps getting worse until all you hear them saying is blah, blah, blah. And you know it's coming, you can feel it coming and you wait for it and then slap yourself around for having put yourself in that position, yet again.

But, and it's a big but, (no not butt!), what if you were to find opportunity in foreclosure. Closure in foreclosure and new beginnings. That's a Happy Pappy way to look at it. I have had glimpses and it's a shiny place off in the distance while I get the paperwork in order, the box loads in order and my mind in order. In the meantime I will make friends with myself! Yup it's me who I wake up to and it's me who I go to bed with at night and it's I who stares back at me in the mirror.

I was having a quite wonderful conversation with Maia on the phone yesterday and we were talking an laughing about the way children see themselves. I direct you back to "Jessica's Daily Affirmation", and remembering back to that time when you were young and you looked at yourself in the mirror and that reflection was amazing. It wasn't stunted by society's view of your chubby fingers, or your cute, fat ass, or your tosselled hair. Hells no! It was just you in wonderment of what you were. You might point at your reflection to see what happened. You might turn around or hold up a foot, but you never, ever judged it.

You are a thing of beauty. A body of evidence that miracles happen. Mirror work can be daunting after all our years of self hatred. Just sitting there looking at a reflection that stares back, battle scars and all. It also can be very fulfilling to become comfortable with yourself. Comfortable with that bulge or blemish or whatever you focus on, but over time you can become your own best friend. You can become your own best counsel. You can become your own biggest fan and the depth of who you really are will glare back at you with a loving smile and open heart.

I wish that for everyone and I wish it the most for those of us who judge ourselves unreasonably, especially around economic mistakes, because you can choose to be your own worst enemy or you own best friend!

Your Life As A Movie

Do you ever sit around and get stuck in it? Your life that is? I know I do, especially now with all the decisions I have to make, and the road blocks that keep getting thrown up. Seems it's just not that simple to get rid of stuff. I remember a time when you could call someone and they would come and buy the contents of your house, but that just ain't so anymore. You have your antique snobs. You have your yard sale kleptos. And anymore you can't give the stuff away. I guess at this point there is just too much stuff in the world. 2 or 3 people at my yard sale told me they didn't see anything they couldn't live without, I hear that. And in the meantime I'm still living amongst boxes.

You know how you start out on a journey? You decide to go somewhere, you make a plan, map it out and begin the trip. The road unfolds in front of you for miles and then you see a detour, or a pit stop and you are stopped in your tracks. You can't move forward and you can't turn around because you are determined to get where you are going. So you wait and you tackle the first block and then the second, but you can't seem to navigate the next one which feels like a lay over in an unknown place. Everything is the same and everything is different and you begin to wonder what to do, so you wait. You wait for inspiration. You wait for clarity. You ask for directions. You can see what's on the other side, but the wall still remains. Too high to jump. Too wide to navigate around and you're stumped.

Sitting and waiting provides you with time to rewind the movie that is your life. You can look back on all that you've done. You can see what's gotten you here, but the film has already been produced. You can't edit, even though you'd like to. You view the happy, the sad, the boring, the mundane, the significant and it's opposite. What did you create? What did I create? Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it a mystery? Is it an action flick? For me it's been all and then some, but now I want to create an independent film. I can write the script and visualize the story in my mind and then produce it. I will need backers. I will need people to share my vision with. I will need funding sources. I will need a plan for road blocks and weather conditions. I will need tenacity and creativity and imagination, but most of all I will need a kick in the ass to get me started, because I'm feeling kind of stuck. It's all up in the air and if I could manage to get a few things to come together I would be able to start rolling again. For now I will get out paper and pen and write something, because that's how I roll.

Thoughts are creating our Future - Louise L. Hay

It's been raining here for days, well 2 days, but it feels like days upon days especially since I am wanting to get things done, and the rain and dark gloom that comes with it makes me kind of sleepy and it's hard for me to go outside and play. There's a window close to my bed that streams light as the sun rises and it helps to get me moving, but on dark days it's absence sets me back a bit. And I start to get grumpy. I start to wish for sunshine and I start this inner monologue that sounds something like, "Shit it's raining again, now I won't get to accomplish all those things I wanted to do outside. I won't be able to take my walk. I won't be able to work in the yard, I won't, I won't, I won't, blah, blah, blah!" Then I am immediately irritable and feel like I am living inside some part of the movie, "Seven". Then inevitably more darkness prevails and I don't want to do a f-ing thing! But imagine the cumulative effect this thinking can have on my life when I react this way every single time it rains. It's been raining quite a bit here and I clearly don't want those thoughts shooting out into a universe that hears everything I say and then creates it for me!

And there's another part that is hidden deeper inside, it says all of this universal creation stuff is just crap and you are looking for some way to avoid the reality, searching, clinging, reaching for an answer to why things are the way they are so you will look for it somewhere on Youtube in a lame attempt to make yourself feel better and stay in denial of the circumstances that surround you. I know it's a run on sentence, but that's how it plays, lack of punctuation and all. And, but the thing is, does it matter if it's all crap or untrue or made up fantasy? I am allowed to believe what I want. I am allowed to choose how I will see the world and the way I want to see it is in better company with my own thoughts about everything. I think my willingness to see a brighter, prettier side of life is what has kept me going through ordeals that would put most people in a mental ward. And if I want to stand before a mirror on a daily basis and tell myself I love me I will do it! Because the opposite of that is sitting around feeling sorry for myself and having done quite a lot of that over the years I can see where that has gotten me to.

Why not choose the brighter side of life? Why not do something that enhances the way you see yourself instead of the other? Can it hurt? I doubt it! Can it make you feel silly sometimes? Probably! But silly is better than sad and scowling and angry. Plus it feels happier and funny! Being too serious about life is the best way to ruin it! All we ever have is this moment so why not have fun?

The Vampire Across the Street!

I knew it the first time she stopped me in the middle of the road, mid-back-up no less. She asked me, pointing towards my front step at Bon-Bon, if that cat was mine. “Is that cat yours?” She seemed tense. I didn’t answer the question at first, stuck as I was in reverse and confused by the question. So I said, “What?!” I will often answer a question with a question if I don’t know what to say. Then I took a good look at her. One front tooth was broken off at an angle, the other a decayed shade of blue, her right earlobe or what was left, was slit up the middle where I imagined an earring had been ripped out. She wore an imitation diamond stud just east of the slit and I could see patches of red underneath the pancake powder she tried to cover them with. To make matters worse I could practically hear her hair, scarecrow-esk as it was, crackling in the noon time sun. At one time or another her locks had been blonde, brunette and copper, mesmerizing really, exceedingly so if you took into account the half grown out perm. It reminded me of a misplaced halo. From neck to tippy toes though, she was a perfect size 4 an asset she flaunted with outfits any high school senior would be in awe of. But, her clock had ticked many minutes past forty long ago. Even still a steady stream of males buzzed her lot vibrating our quiet street with a deep thumping sound which seemed to originate in the trunk of their cars. I could hear it from what I assumed were blocks away and as it got closer I could feel it reverberating through the floor. When she crept out into the daylight that first time, I was surprised. She was new to the neighborhood, a tenant in suburbia. I’m told vampires can go outside if they slather on enough sunscreen, but still, is there ever enough?

She eventually told me her name which I promptly forgot and questioned me at length about my cat, who it seems, is the female version of hers. He has been off catting, as my mother would say, and now she couldn’t find him. A lot of cats had gone missing since she moved in and I couldn’t help but wonder quietly if she had been eating them, using her seeming concern for her own pet as a cover to distract us all. She said, and couldn’t stress more how much he looked like mine and could I keep an eye out for him. I would hear him before I saw him. His collar had a jingle bell. She told me his name, but I forgot that too. I got a creepy feeling and then blew it off because, who cares!

But I learned never to speak with creatures of the night as they soon come knocking asking to be granted entry into your home. They use excuses like can you help me fix such and such or I want to save this kitten. Once she actually stole my neighbors kitten and said she found it a better home after it disappeared. I never let her cross the threshold, but she soon noticed I was married and would wait until dusk when my husband arrived and run across the street to molest him, I mean greet him. She spoke in whispers, gesturing until her hand brushed his arm. She cackles and her gaze falls to the pavement. A full frontal assault with that grill is too much for any man to deal with even in muted light.

My good friend is her landlord and resides in the same building, nothing more than wood and plaster separates their bedrooms. She curses the day she let the vampire move in. She keeps questioning why. She says, “I thought she would be okay because she has a little boy, but every night, night after night I hear her having sex and she is loud, I mean loud. She does it when her son is there too and he is only 8. She is so loud I have moved my bedroom across the house and have had to pound on the walls to get her to shut up! And that music! I just don’t know what to do!”

“So, you’re saying she’s loud, I chimed in. I then took a moment to re-think my initial assessment of her, “does she howl?”, I asked in my coy way.

“Yeah you could call it howling!”, she snipped back, disgusted.

Then I thought maybe she was a werewolf, but she didn’t have the requisite hairy-ness, so I blew the idea off entirely.

My friend doesn’t know what to do and frankly, neither do I. Since I won’t grant her access to my place and since my husband moved out I rarely see her. If I do see her on the odd occasion out in the light, I stay indoors until the coast is clear, but still she is sucking my neighbor dry.

How does a person get rid of a vampire across the street?

Accepting Your Perfection . . .

Several months ago I sent an email to Dan at "Single Dad Laughing" in response to a link one of my friends shared on Facebook. Although he never responded to my email or reposted what I said I believe it's true and wanted to share it here!

Hi Dan,

I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in every way. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.

Perfection is all that can exist . . .

Nothing imperfect exists . . .

And no, I am not a swami . . .

So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion. I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.

You University Online Journal

Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

You University - Maia Berens an Extrodinary Life Coach & Teacher

What's Interferring With Your Dreams?

What is really interfering with my ability to reach my goals?

I decided to take a day off from everything yesterday, and everything for me means, no packing, no selling stuff, no computer (except my journal & blog), no emails, no FB, no nothing that had to do with anything, especially computer. Although even when I make this effort thoughts still creep in and so wherever you go there you are, but I did my best to push them out, just for a day.

So my sister and I were walking down by the river collecting glass and listening to the water smash against the rippled shoreline. We searched the sky for blue herons and talked about life. I decided to rest my back against a fallen tree trunk and, "take in the day", while my sister continued walking, collecting and no doubt thinking. She and I we are always thinking and the thinking becomes a form of interference. We think and don't act, or act out of necessity, because none of it is focused. A lot of it is fantasy and much of it is mind clutter. What must I get done today? She finds pleasure in constant movement. I find pleasure in rest. I am leaning, sitting, watching, thinking. She is moving, collecting, looking, thinking. Neither of us ever truly relaxed. So I begin to allow myself to go to that happy place in my mind. I put my attention on the external. I see the sun penetrate and reflect into the black depths of the river. There is a back drop of green in my periphery. I allow the voice of nature to engulf me, the birds, that annoying squirrel, the tide crashing in, pulling out. I see myself as if inside a computer generated world, my senses peeked, the majesty enlivening. My imagination begins to churn. I close my eyes and breathe.

My sister's voice is carried to me by the wind and I hear it say, "Do you want a hot dog?", frankly the last statement I would expect in the middle of nowhere and I look over at her. She is pointing and laughing at a, get ready for it . . . Hot Dog boat emerging just into our view from the north. What? How do they serve you? Do they pull up to shore or do we have to swim out? The big, red hot dog sign strikes us as hilarious and we begin to wonder what made them think of it. We begin to think about the ease of living a Hot Dog boat vendors life. We wonder, was that their life goal or did they do it for the money? Are they retired or do they just love selling hot dogs? Did they combine their love of hot dogs and their love of water? We decide we might sell everything and get a boat to sell hot dogs! The ease, the joy, the simplicity!

Yes! The simplicity! So I ask her, if she could do anything in this world, if she was handed a magic box that could provide her with any career slash life path that she desired what would she choose to do? We were all given a magic box like that, a set of magic tools and the key is to put them together to follow our inner most desires, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So what would she do? She said she didn't know. Was the question too overwhelming? Had it been sprung on her to quickly? Had her desires been squashed early on in life, or was survival of the utmost importance?

I examined my own life. Noticing that inside I felt very much like the churning tide, or rather the debris caught up in it's motion. Always looking for a way to survive and never realizing I had a choice. Worshiping at the alter of the almighty buck instead of actualizing my dreams. And in that process I lost sight of my goals altogether. Whenever I had a plan I let obstacles get in the way and I let my real dreams fall by the wayside.

I'm about to change all of that. I am going to allow myself to really feel what it is that brings the most joy into my life, (even if that joy is selling hot dogs on the water), make a plan, post it and pursue that as a way to live instead of the other way around. When distractions present themselves, as I know they will, I am going to ask myself if pursuing them will bring me closer to my goal or the opposite and I will let the answer be my guide. Because the only real obstacle interfering with my ability to reach my goals is me. Me without a clear vision, me without a solid plan, me without trust and faith in a life without limits that is filled with peace, love and happiness.

Sharing & Growing Through Journaling!

What does journaling do for me? In private it helps me clear my thoughts, get out a lot of my feelings and helps me examine what my frequent thoughts are. It really helps me to see what I have been thinking about over and over again, year after year and allows me to view myself from above or from the magic carpet in the sky, as Maia would say. It helps me to see how "stuck" I have been and it prompts a screaming voice inside me to say, "You have got to change this, it isn't serving you!" and then it sends me out on a mission to do just that. I have noticed from discovering journals I had written back in the 90's that not much had changed in my thinking process especially around relationships with men. In private journaling no censor is needed and the way that helps the most is for creative writing endeavors where a flow of unedited thoughts is needed to let imagination flourish freely. We get out the gunk that sits in the conscious mind to clear a path for creation. This is somewhat difficult to do when the mind is in a state of stress. Real creativity comes in waves and must be allowed to pour fourth when the writer is open to it and ready to express, like a faucet it just comes. For those moments I do keep a note pad ready. But, for now I have basically stopped writing in a private journal and keep private writing as only love letters or assignments in You University, because I am tired of writing about the same relationship stuff. I feel like it enables me to stay stuck and I want to move forward in my life more than anything!

In public journaling I feel I have to use a censor as what comes out may not always be fit for public consumption, especially when darkness prevails and so I find there is a thick line between what I want to say and the form the expression must take in order to make it palatable. If feel that private journaling is most effective for people who want to make examination of the self a tool for change, because censoring is admonished.

I believe public journaling asks me to come up with solutions or at least look for a way out of my own boxed in thinking simply because other people will be viewing it and in that I find the gift. When I journal publicly I want people to read about my progress. I want people to feel the the movement in my thought process from one day to the next, one moment to the next, one thought to the next. I want them to realize that we all have very similar experiences in thought and deed and action and mistake and regret and shame and that all of these are simply lessons on a journey of self healing moving us ever forward to a place of self acceptance, self love and inner peace! Public journaling gives us the courage to express in front of others in order that they may find the strength to express for themselves. Public journaling creates a space where others can see that they are not alone. That we are most vividly all fighting a great universal battle that exists within and when we express encouragement to others through our loving comments we can also come to express encouragement to ourselves, be less hard on ourselves and view the world as connected and that brings us closer to the truth. With public journaling We CAN heal, with self directed inner thought reproduced, one word at a time for the world to see!

Grace of My Heart

A good friend of mine once told me that I was one of the strongest women he had ever met. A hard concept to wrap my head around when I am in the middle of it, but looking back by doing a life review I can see that I have been, and like the woman in this movie much of what I had to be strong about was self imposed. Self imposed because I lacked the wisdom of my own inner vision. Self imposed because I let obstacles get in the way of pursuing my dreams. I think we all have dreams that we let fall by the wayside while we get swept up in pursuing road side attractions and that is fine, since our lives here are a journey. Films like "Grace of My Heart" remind me that we are all human and fragile and what our hearts want will be fulfilled as long as we keep looking for answers and working towards what we love to do, even in the midst of seeming misfortune! Sometimes we have to let the people in our lives who care hold the vision for us when we can't! Surround yourself with those people and they can help you get back on your path!

Stress Much?

When I'm over-loaded with decisions, choices, work, phone calls, responsibilities and a host of thoughts something happens inside me and I feel like I can't keep up with it all. Small chores like doing the dishes, making the bed or returning a phone call become overwhelming and my level of concentration is minus 10.

Right now I'm feeling like I need a 30 day vacation. I haven't taken a vacation since 2005 and I am in desperate need of one. I have had this feeling in the past, but I was usually able to get away from it for even a weekend, right now that is not the case.

I am starting to notice the physical symptoms of stress, muscle aches and pains, being tired all the time, in ability to concentrate or perform menial tasks and the strong urge to run away! What's a gurl to do?

I may just give myself a short break, but it's kind of difficult living in squaller, which I hate. Boxes everywhere. I have tried to put everything in one room, but it's starting to overflow. I guess you could say I'm having a little-bit-O-trouble maintaining my composure. The best thing I can do is take care of myself in all of this by managing my time, completing tasks I set out to do and allowing myself to rest.

This to shall pass!

Acting Out . . .

I can't believe he said that to me! His words echo in my ears, in my mind, around my brain. I can't turn them off. It hurts and nothing will stop my pain. I can't believe he did that to me! His actions play in my mind like a movie. I can recall where he was sitting. I see the vivid image of disgust written across his face like words on a page. I can't change the channel, but I want to. It feels like a knife in my heart. I tell myself that any other feeling would be better than this and then I convince myself that doing something to hurt him will take all my pain away.

I will make him pay for what he has done to me. I will punish him and he will know better next time. Defending myself feels good, yeah, I think I'll do that! But then I change my mind knowing that you catch more bees with honey, so I will sweet talk him, make him feel better, serve myself up on a platter so he will forgive me and if that doesn't work I will beg him for a second chance. I will tell him that I'm a human who makes mistakes and because he loves me he will forgive me and then I will watch my own behavior like a hawk so I never act out again. I will never act out again! I promise I will never do that again! I am consumed with pain, self hatred and worst of all shame. I am acting out like a 2 year old and have no idea why. And, it's uncontrollable, meaning I cannot stop myself or breathe it away.

That is how I used to act all the time. I had a rage churning inside me that nothing could rein in. I pointed it, mostly, at men, but often my daughter also received the brunt of that behavior and I have had a lot of regret about that. I've realized now that regret does nothing but offer up more shame so instead of acting out, when the rage or confusion comes up I do nothing. Yup, I do nothing at all and I wait and then I observe my emotions. Man, that's a mixed bag of crap to muddle through, because so many scenarios play out in my head. The Ultimate mind f**k of projections. What will the other person do if I do this. What will happen if I say this and it goes on and on, infinity.

But, it doesn't have to be that way. Well, it does and it doesn't there are tools I use to get me in touch with the complexity of my own mind. Journaling is one for me. Just writing down my random, screwed up thoughts in a notebook and then setting it aside. Calling a "sane" person to ground me. Someone NOT invested in the situation, who can see outside of it. The best thing for me is to watch my own behavior cycle round and round. I call it the groove and once I'm stuck in it, it takes a lot to dislodge myself from, but I do it and move on. Then several hours, or several days or several minutes later I am fine. Sometimes, just taking a shower will do it. I watched a segment of Tony Robbins where a person was standing in front of him telling their "story" and he took a glass of water and threw it in the person's face. It stopped them in their tracks. I thought it cruel at the time, but now I see it differently. I can throw a glass of water in my own face and stop my craziness too, but I have to do it. To stop acting out I have to take action, plain and true.

The beauty of me, some of my gifts, are my sensitivity, my complexity, my tenacity, the way I can see every side of a situation, my creativity, the love in my heart, the way my soul sings, the way I love, the way I see the world and these gifts can be used to undermine my own progress or they can be developed and used to accelerate my growth and be paid forward to help others see their own. The choice as always is mine. What will you choose?

Is Ignorance Bliss?

I have, in the past, been of the opinion that ignorance is bliss. Why did I formulate that opinion, duh? Because if I know something, than I have to do something about it, and doing something about it requires effort on my part. My M.O. is to exert as little effort as possible while attempting to get the greatest return on that exertion. I'm sure I'm not the only one. But, when I speak here of exerting effort I'm not talking about the mundane in life, those tasks we all must do to keep a household rolling, cleaning a toilet, baking a cup cake, mowing the lawn. Those are annoying daily distractions that I can at times find pleasurable, fun even. When I'm mowing the lawn I get some of my best ideas.

No, I can remain in ignorance by accepting the common perceptions of this world. Like, If someone hurts you it is right to hurt them back. Or, If you are losing your home it's right to hate yourself and think you are a stupid handler of money. Or, Money and possessions are very important in this life. I have in the past made lists of the core values that I was taught growing up and then I have compared those lists with other peoples core values and guess what 90% or them were the same. You could say, well if they are all the same then they must be true. I say that's hogwash. I believe that is ignorance and I say there is another way to look at this life because I know that it's true. I've seen too many miracles to doubt the veracity of another way of thinking.

But going against the grain comes with certain trials. When you come out of ignorance you move towards bliss and the act of moving towards bliss asks you to trust yourself to know what is correct, it asks you to be an uncommon thinker and to do work that may not seem logical to the population at large. It asks you to have the courage to move away from the herd. I could type a list of uncommon thinkers, but mostly we all know who they are, because their uncommon thinking and ability to lead us out of ignorance and into bliss is admired and reported enough.

I posted the video about the man who forgave his brother's killer to drive home a solid point. I know the video quality isn't that good and there are times when you can't really hear what he is saying and those who want to remain in ignorance will find those plausible excuses to not see what is actually happening in that courtroom. They might miss the tears in the eyes of the defendant's mother when her son is forgiven. They might miss the courage of a man who has come out of ignorance and into bliss. They might miss the freedom one finds in forgiving another for a horrible crime.

Forgiveness becomes bliss because there is a palpable lightness around it that is difficult to miss unless you are determined to stay in ignorance.

All I Need . . .

". . . Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act falls the shadow. Between the conception and the creation, between the emotion and the response falls the shadow . . . " ~ T.S. Eliot

There's a shadow self within me whose eyes glimmer with delight around objects. Intoxicated with remembering the joy a gift can bring, it tells a story. It tells a story. And I want to hold on. It tells a story and I want to let go. It tells a story.

And all I need is a story, all my life is a story and therein falls the shadow.

Two gray haired women emerge from a gold Chrylser, it's a formidable car, my father owned one, not gold, but silver, not new like this one, but cool. An antique now it was sold to a stranger by my brother. I took a beating in the back of that car.

An old man emerges from the Chrysler to follow the two gray haired ladies up my driveway. They are sisters, he is their guardian, he traffics their finds. They admonish my wares with experienced eyes. His wife is tall and slender, her attire manicured for a Sunday afternoon. Her sister is short with a crocked back and weird red rimmed eyes that bulge from the sockets, like a frogs eyes. A female Marty Feldman. Both women are wearing gray, it compliments their hair. I amuse myself watching while they scrutinize my memories.

"How much for this?" The old man is pointing at a Victorian gold wood frame with convex glass and Gesso designs on the front. Old man Riley and his 2 grandsons stare out at him, all 3 long dead. "Oh, that's an antique it's expensive. I'm sure you won't want to spend that kind of money!" I answered, still questioning my decision to sell it and another just like it at yard sale prices. I tell him the story about my great grandparents who were servants for the Rileys, to distract him. The Rileys were wealthy in 1908. My great grandparents lived year round at their summer home. But, bad luck befell them and when they abandoned the 200 acre property and everything in it my great grand parents acquired it for back wages. The old man just looked at me, said, "Oh." and turned away. His wife bought a long silver necklace with purple, plastic jewels for a quarter. I thought it looked good with her outfit and I told her so. She held it up to her chest and we admired it. Female Marty Feldman complained that she couldn't read anymore because her eyes were bad, my heart went out to her. Who could live without books?

All I need is this Karaoke machine, my dead x-husband likes the way I sing so he bought me a karaoke machine for Christmas. In between customers I sing Stevie Nicks, "Dreams" to my sister. Two neighbors come over, one wants to buy the machine. I can't part with it! My shadow self, the singer. My shadow self, the comedian. My shadow self, the writer. My shadow self holds on to objects, the signposts in my life that are recalled in stories each one a reminder of what was, what could have been and what is yet to be without them.

I embrace my shadow, the place in me where dreams are made . . .

Can You Really Sell it All?

I wanted my Ad to say, "I've been paying full price for incredible finds since 1997 so that you could get them for next to nothing today", but that was way too many words.

On Saturday I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to finish laying the foundation of a yard sale I had been planning for 3 weeks. Only, it wasn't going so well. A torrential down pour started shortly after I got started and I began to doubt my decision to move away. Was it a sign of things to come? Was the Universe raining on my parade? It's not like I wasn't prepared. A very close friend of mine who had volunteered to come and help was also the harbinger of bad news calling me the previous day to announce that rain was predicted for the whole weekend. She wanted to know what I was going to do. You know what's so funny? I got pissed off at her for telling me! Like it had anything to do with her. She doesn't control the weather, or maybe she does, what do I know? Anyway, if she hadn't told me I would not have called another friend and she would not have helped me devise a plan to make it work! Go figure! I Love My Friends! I'm a blurter and sometimes I just have to say what I'm thinking and that came into my head so I typed it, but that was just an aside, but anyway...

So, I was standing looking out the window at the ocean of rain falling in my driveway and I began to wonder about what I was doing and if in a month of Sunny Saturdays the rain came on the only one that I decided to sell all my stuff, should I rethink my decision. Was somebody trying to tell me something? But that kind of thinking is what's gotten me here to begin with. Nobody else is the boss of me. I'll do what I want! Because you can flip that kind of thinking too! Maybe the message to me was that I could push through any difficulty in my life and follow my own path and move forward with a clean slate. When I thought about that I felt much better, much lighter and very happy. So I danced around the living room and sang a yard sale song I made up and people came out in droves to buy my stuff, even in the rain! I had such a good time!

If you want to have a yard sale click on the links for some great ideas to make it a success!

How to Host the Perfect Yard Sale

Yard Sale Search

Yard Sale Etiquette (Who Knew?)

Of course those links will lead you to other links that could keep you reading all day. Enjoy it!

Abraham-Hicks - Living life in appreciation

Why Not? It is a beautiful world! Happy Sunday!

You Are A Gift!

And the Lyrics, because why? Because I Love Words!

Imagine a month of Sundays
Each one a cloudy day
Imagine the moment the sun came shining through
Imagine that ray of sunshine as you

Remember your darkest hour
With dawn still far away
Remember the way that you longed for mornings light
And think of yourself as a candle in the night

Make believe this is the first day
Everything all brand new
Make believe that the sun is your own lucky star
And then understand the kind of gift you are

The gift you are
like the very first breath of spring
The gift you are
all the joy that love can bring
The gift you are
all of our dreams come true
The gift you are
the gift of you

You are the promise of all the ages
You are the Prodigal Son
You are the vision of prophets and sages
You are the only one

Dream of a bright tomorrow
Know that your dream will come true
Carry your dream in a sparkling crystal jar
Then you will know the kind of gift you are

The gift you are
like the very first breath of spring
The gift you are
all the joy that love can bring
The gift you are
all of our dreams come true
The gift you are
the gift of you

The gift you are
like the very first breath of springtime
The gift you are
all the joy that love can bring
The gift you are
all of our dreams come true - yes they do
The gift you are
the gift of you
The gift you are
the gift of you

Words and music by John Denver

Have A Great Day!

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

I was on a group coaching call last night and we were discussing that voice inside us that always seems to keep us down. It says stuff like you can't do that, no body will like it, you are too fat, you are not pretty, you can never have what you want! I doubt anyone on the planet is negative-voice free. It's so common that you hardly even notice it, for a lot of us it's standard- operating-procedure-voice and you think it's inner wisdom or proper guidance or that it is telling you the truth, but it isn't damn it! How do you know it isn't? Because there is a sense of heaviness around it, a sense of more of the same. It pulls on you and keeps reminding you how NOT good enough you are. It wants you to question every decision, monitor your happiness, because if you're too happy something bad will happen and it explains to you why what you are doing is selfish, inconsiderate or just plain stupid and it has the logic of your past to back it up. I call it my "Daddy" voice. For a lot of us it repeats the words of the significant people in our lives who made us feel the most shitty, even if it wasn't words they were speaking it is the feeling around their approval or their need for us to be a certain way that was conveyed and if we don't follow it we are bad, but I say F--K that, because we have another voice too!

It's the softer more fun voice who should guide us, the Jessica voice in the video. I'll tell you Jessica isn't monitoring the cookies she eats or the fun she's having or the fit she has when she doesn't get what she wants, and I figure nothing can stop her! I bet Jessica knows what she wants because she has not had a censor beaten into her. Really look at her! There's a girl looking for joy, looking for fun. I bet she slides across the kitchen floor in her socks a lot. I bet she takes on new adventures with a sense of wonder instead of fear. I bet she asks a lot of questions about the world, about butterflies, about people, about life and I bet she still has concern for others in her quest for knowledge. There's a little Jessica in all of us and she has more sense about what is really important in life than we do. How do we get to be like Jessica, by paying very close attention to what is going on inside our heads. You have to fetter out that nasty voice so you can identify it and then tell it to go to Hell. Constant self talk observation is the only way to notice what is real and what is simply B.S. taught to us by others. So listen to your inner chat sometime, write it down if you have to and you will see that there is wisdom leading you to where you really want to be and if you really don't like something change it, because your Jessica voice knows what you really want and it won't resign itself until you honor it and the same ugly, painful patterns will keep repeating in your life until you do it, but the choice is yours.

I noticed a comment under this You Tube video from a poster whose course assignment in college was to watch Jessica and then do what she was doing everyday for a week and then write about the experience in her journal, she loved it. I'm gonna do that too! Will you? Or will you stop yourself because you don't think you have the time to be happy?

PS: Happiness is free, but fear comes with a price tag of regret and you can decide how much you want to pay!

Set Backs

Why is there a trailer for the movie "Temple Grandin" at the top of the page on a blog about foreclosures? First, because I couldn't figure out how the Hell I could plant it anywhere else in the this blog template, so I've got that going for me, and second because when I have a setback in my moving forward process I will look for ways to change my perspective.

The other day I had a mini nervous breakdown. It didn't feel too mini at the time, it does now but it didn't. My primary focus was on how broken I felt inside. I felt like there was nothing I could do to "fix" and that I would always, always feel the same way about myself and my life. I felt literally, "foreclosed upon". And Dag Nab it, I felt sorry for myself and pissed off at the world for allowing parents like mine to procreate, or in my case adopt.

It could or should be obvious to most people, (myself included), that what I am experiencing is no "little" thing and that it is okay for me to breakdown and cry and cry and cry, but it wasn't obvious to me, because I must always prevail. I must always be the strong one, the perfect one, the one who, "never let's em see you sweat", because I can't be weak. If I am weak no one will like me and if no one likes me . . . (insert your own truth here).

During this self inflicted mind f--k I felt again, as I often do that I simply wanted to jettison the planet, escape, take the cowards way out, or go to sleep for 50 years and wake up in a world I know can exist. The truth is I just didn't want to deal with the pain. I didn't want to sit with the pain of it all. The pain of my past errors in judgment. The pain of the realization that everything I have known is about to be extinguished. The pain of letting go. I just didn't want to be present in it. I also knew that if I was present in it and let it come up I would lose a day or a week of "getting stuff" done. And, I can't have that. So rather than just letting it happen I had to punish myself, hate myself and pull everyone else into my own misery. What a crock of shit!

Then I decided to do something I would not have done in the past. I decided to listen to Maia and actually do what she said. She gave me permission to cry. She gave me permission to let the pain come up and to be by myself with it. Yup, no distractions. No talking on the phone. No eating. No computing. No writing. No running. Just sitting. Just crying. It's so freeing and so uncommon in a world where sitting with ourselves and letting the feelings come up without trying to stop them is frowned upon, often pissed on as a show of weakness. When I was a child if I cried I was punished and sent to my room. I know now that my parents were wanting to teach me how to be in the world, but I think it back fired

So why the video trailer of an Autistic woman who develops a solution to cruelty in slaughter houses? Because she came into a place where people don't think like she does, even though she's a genius and since she wasn't quote normal her journey was fraught with the same pain and anguish we all experience times a gazillion, and the cruelty and closed mindedness of others was highlighted to a spectacular degree. I cried just watching it and asked myself why? Why do we as a species reject that which we don't understand? Why are we so afraid of what we view as different? At the same time I saw the miraculous in her thinking process. I saw the miraculous in those people who seemed to show up out of nowhere in her life. I saw the love in her mother's eyes and the determination it inspired in her and I realized how human suffering can act as a catalyst to creation and I can use my own to change my life.

Letting Go - You Just Know!

But how do you know? Me, I have an addictive personality and knowing that requires me to monitor myself constantly. I hate it! I hate having to examine every decision, every relationship, every bite of food I put into my mouth. Let me rephrase. I did hate it, but I'm getting used to it, because I have found that myself always knows what's right and what's good and what I should do, but I don't want to do it because the way I've always done it feels more comfortable. I know it's going to sound weird, but pain has been my comfort zone. Disliking myself has been my norm and thinking I don't deserve everything I desire wrapped in a bow has been my M.O., huh that rhymed. Anyway, some wise person said, "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got!"

Up until recently you could have posted my picture next to that quote with a giant read arrow pointing at my head and mostly it had to do with quote, Love relationships, but at this moment I see things so much differently. I am also a "Love Addict", or I should say an un-love addict. Falling in hopeless obsession with with every emotionally unavailable man I could find and then watching the relationship turn into a train wreck while he cheated on me behind my back. But the thing is I knew, but I didn't want to know, but I knew, but I didn't want to know. So I would turn myself into a Barbie or a pretzel or a workaholic or a bitch or whatever it was I thought he wanted just so he would love me. Then I found that if you looked up the word obsession in the dictionary my photo was planted right next to it as well, and I had to take a good solid look at what I was doing to myself, how much of my life I was wasting on these thoughts and I decided to stay single for 3 years while I healed or thought I was healing my addiction, and then I started dating again knowing I was a better, brighter person, who couldn't possibly repeat the same mistakes again. Stop here and insert the word NOT into the life lessons column and then read on, because real healing requires real testing and real tests can be failed. And, those tests will be repeated until you get it right.

When your gut tells you that something is wrong hear it, feel it and act with it because deep down in the recesses of your soul you just know, but if you always do what you've always done you will always get what you always got. Of course if you want more of the same have at it! But I like the feeling of being loved, and I could not have known what it really felt like to be loved if I had not been in relationships with people who did not love me, because when someone loves you there are no questions, no need to obsess, wonder or monitor. You just know! So, oddly, I want to Thank every person who has treated me like shit, cheated on me, or used me for their own convenience because without them I would never have learned what real love is!

What does any of this have to do with being foreclosed upon? How about everything! My model of security was skewed! I thought if I had the American Dream I would never ask for anything more, but you will always want more until you are secure with yourself, until you stop looking outside yourself for answers. I have found that I don't want any of it and I never did. I thought that if others saw me as independent, hard working, uber responsible and gorgeous it would all be plopped in my lap and I would be secure, but once that illusion was shattered I saw that I could ask for love and get it, there's a big surprise! I could ask for help and get it and that the people who really loved me would show up in droves to help me out. And so I just know that letting go of that clinging, needy feeling that keeps me bound to my past is the only way to really move forward. So I say let go of what you think you want and watch the miracles happen!

Disconnect Much?

Do you feel truly, madly, deeply connected to anyone or to the Earth. Social networks like Facade Book, I mean Facebook, are all the rage, but honestly is anyone really telling the truth about what is going on in their lives or are they painting a pretty picture for all the world to see? I'm an advocate of truth, but telling the truth can be difficult, especially when we are lying to ourselves. And sometimes social networking can keep us disconnected from others instead of pulling us together. How does that happen? I think it started with text messages, which are good for quick notes, but I know for myself that I can hide behind them. I can be whoever I want to be in a text message. I can take my time answering it, but the human connection, the sound of another person's voice is absent. It's a way to disconnect while pretending to be connected. It's a way to be less then present in a conversation with someone. It's a back door out of expressing true feelings and it's become the norm and it irritates me.

This way of disconnecting has become so normal that I almost feel bad pointing it out, but then I gotsta say what I'm feeling. I wish that when someone had something going on in their lives they didn't expect me to find it on my Facebook news feed, because I probably won't, but then they probably wouldn't post it because everything is always hunky dory in La La land. I was half tempted to prune my friends list to the 10 or 20 people who are most important in my life and let the rest drop off permanently, but then I saw this video:




I've decided to make a contribution by telling the truth and staying connected to as many people as possible even if I have to do it in a way that gets under my skin a little bit. It's the global view that really matters, and if one person can see that opening up to what's real will actually help other people open up to what's real that is all that really matters and maybe, just maybe people will start talking on the phone again and meeting in person again the way it should be the way it was meant to be!

Foreclosure as a Gift!

Sitting amidst the rubble of all that I collected in my life I began to look back at how it has all unfolded. I looked at how everything is cyclical and I noticed that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I've looked at the pieces finding journals from 1994 that could have been written by me last year. The same droning voice, the same complaints, the same desires, the same wishes, the same aspirations. I noticed how common it all was, like what I was writing about could have been written by anyone. We all do want the same things, don't we? Love, money, security, financial freedom, blah, blah, blah.

Then something unusual happened I noticed that I had stepped outside of myself as if watching a movie of my life roll by, screen by screen, moment by moment, one experience after another. Was this it, the culmination of my life's efforts? Was this my life work, to accumulate stuff? Then I just started laughing. Not the maniacal laughter of a person on the brink of exhaustion, (even though I was stupid tired & covered in dust), but the laughter of someone who has just realized that they take everything too seriously. Believe me I am serious about the effort of dislodging all that no longer serves me or others out of my life and I had many moments yesterday where I wanted to throw in the towel and run screaming into another dimension, but I didn't do it. I pushed through it! I pushed through the resistance of not wanting to face what I had created for myself and at the end of the day instead of crying I was laughing!

How had this happened? How had I stopped feeling sorry for myself? How had I re-framed my experience of foreclosure and impending bankruptcy from victim to victor, from experiencer to watcher? How could I think that foreclosure was a gift?

Several months ago I hit an all time low, what people in 12-step programs call,"hitting bottom", it's a dark, black ugly place that exists in your mind. It's a place where you can see no future and your past looks like a series of misadventures that can never be repaired. I had been there before, but this time I was inconsolable. There wasn't a pill I could take or a cookie I could eat or a story I could write that would evict me from the feeling that my life was no longer worth living. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to call someone I knew who was living a life of peace and contentment and ask her for help. It's hard for me to ask for help, my pride keeps me trapped, my ego gets in the way, my fear paralyzes me, but my spirit, pain in the ass that it is, keeps me going. I am still in the process of working out what is in my own best interest, but I've noticed that if I listen to my inner guidance it will kick me in the ass until I do the best thing for me. So yes, I swallowed that gigantic pill-o-pride with a vente' iced cafe mocha and called Maia Berens, one of the only people I know who can help me walk a more direct path through the journey of my life. Because if it's up to me I will build a brick room around myself with no windows and a thick steel door and label it, "I'm a victim of circumstance", lock myself inside and lose the key.

I'm sure she expected the call, but she knows that until the student is ready there is nothing she can do. So she sat in love and acceptance awaiting my willingness to open up to her teaching and when I did she made it easy for me. I am so grateful for that! I asked her if her offer for my attendance in You University was still open. I told her that my life had turned to shit and that I was willing to set aside my resistance and create a much needed change in my life. With an open heart and loving arms she accepted me. The work I have done and am still doing in her training program has created a shift in my experience of the world that can not be explained. I know I can laugh at myself now. I know I see my past in a different light and I know I love myself more and more each day. And right now, as I type these words, I see my current experience as a gift that will open my life to a journey of adventure that I had not been able to imagine a short time ago. I want to Thank you Maia for the gifts of your teaching!

Robbing Peter to Pay Paul

My mother always used to say that she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I always wondered who Peter and Paul were, but now I think I know. For me it has mostly been overdrawing my checking account at huge fees just so I could pay one or two big bills. It made sense to me to pay a $25.00 fee to keep the lights on or the mortgage paid. So I'm thinking that Peter was the bank and Paul was the also the Bank, cuz a bank owns my mortgage too. I think banks own a lot of stuff, but they just don't tell anybody. The weird part about it is that I read somewhere that if everybody went into the bank and withdrew all their money it wouldn't actually be there. I'm not sure how this works, but it seems not legal.

But this morning as I sit here contemplating how I will get rid of all my "stuff" it dawns on me that I just have too much! What if all I could do was walk out of here with only those things I could carry? It wouldn't be too much. And the thought of that causes me to think about what is truly valuable to me. I'd take all my journals, as of last count that's 3 boxes. I'd take all my photos and photo books another 2 boxes. I need my bed. I need my clothes. I can't carry all that crap. Shit, what about my computer and my desk, my beloved books, oh and my dog, (maybe I could hook a harness on her and she could pull some stuff, poor thing), she can carry herself as long as I keep her fueled up.

My office is skeletal compared to what it once was and I wish I had emptied it out a long time ago. Why do we save so much? Why do we hold onto so much? My point is the whole issue of having so much "stuff" is crazy. Letting go of it seems freeing. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to decide what to sell, what to keep and what to trash. And the storage unit industry is booming and it's ugly. Have you seen the storage malls cropping up every where. People storing crap they will never need for fear of letting go. I understand temporary storage, but long term storage?

Looks like Joseph and Sandy have decided to downsize to a 350 square foot home.
Click on that link there's a video and everything. Not too sure if I could live in that shape home, but there are more options. Some people are turning storage units into gorgeous living spaces and the beauty there is they come fully equipped and almost snap together. A perfect option if I can find a state with no land tax.

The thing is there are only a few things I have that I cannot replace and those I will keep, but the most important stuff is not material. I know it's cliche but in this life, in this world, what's truly meaningful are the people you love, the people you trust and the people who love you. If it were not for them I would never be able to get through this. Since I began this blog and even before when I admitted what was happening I have experienced and out pouring of love, support and even money from those who really care. And let me tell you it's times like these when you find out who's in it with you for the long haul. Those are the people you should hang on to. You know the ones you can call up at 3 in the morning? The ones you can bare your soul too and never feel judged or humiliated. The ones whose embrace you can feel even when they aren't present. So even if I had to walk away from here with nothing I would still have the most important necessity in life, LOVE. What else is there? So Love those who love you. Trust those people who show up in your life even when it's messy and ugly and painful. Then give back whatever you can even if it's only a listening ear or an open heart. Dispense all that "stuff" you've been holding on too because all we will ever have is each other!

Nothing to Fear Accept Fear Itself!

I would add that a life spent making mistakes is more honorable than a life spent in fear of what those mistakes can bring . . .

Fear paralyzes me, my words come out in stutters and my heart beats too fast. I awaken at 3 am and I'm sweating. I'm gripped with panic and feel a shift in my experience of life that I can explain to no one. I sit cross legged on the floor and begin taking very deep breaths. I focus on what's inside me. I listen to the sound of my own heart and repeat a personal mantra I found in some book I read or some website I surfed.

"Whatever happens is fine with me!"
"Whatever happens is fine with me!"
"Whatever happens is fine with me!"

A feeling of Peace begins to fill me up because I remember that I have been in this place before. I have been in situations where I was so afraid I could not breath, I could not talk and I had no idea what to do and when I let go of wanting to know the outcome miracles started to happen. In 12 step programs they say, "let go and let God!". I am a control freak and have no intention of letting some unseen force run my life. I can do it! I can make things happen! But those thoughts, (which should not be confused with creative inspiration), make my chest tighten and my breath quicken, and I feel tense and angry all the time.

So once, a long time ago, when I was in a very similar situation I decided to have a little talk with God. "God", I said, "If you really do exist and if you really are out there or part of me or whatever the fuck you are (I know it's bad to curse in the presence of God, but I didn't care), I can't do this anymore. If you want me and my daughter to live in a cardboard box out on a sidewalk somewhere than so be it, because I've had it," This whole conversation took place by the a way, a few days after I had tried to voluntarily check myself into our local psych ward, but even they wouldn't have me, so I felt rejected and really pissed, but kind of sane even in my nervous break down. Then, after that conversation I didn't think about it anymore and when thoughts of my problems crept in I dismissed them with a smirk, knowing that whatever happened was fine with me. Two weeks later I received $12,000.00 that I had been waiting on for a year. Then within a month a dear friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in a long while called me out of the blue to offer me some work and a lawyer friend of mine insisted I pursue getting my P.I. license and within the next 6 months my entire life changed.

Whenever the fear starts to paralyze me I breath deep and remember that when I let go of what I think I want and remember that I have always been guided or sometimes shoved kicking and screaming into another direction all the best things happen. It's my resistance to and fear of change that bind me in fear. It's acceptance of and moving forward in a new, possibly uncomfortable direction that will set me free. If you think about this I bet you can remember this happens in your life too . . .

Coming Out

Foreclosure isn't something that just happens, it creeps up on you slowly, maliciously, an insidious pest that chews at your nervous system. It chews at your fundamental fears and pokes holes in all that you hold dear. It's nemeses is hope. It's companion denial.

See, as Americans we were indoctrinated with a dream, a dream that began way back in toddler-hood. We were indoctrinated with an image of a happy home life, even if we didn't have one, which a lot of us didn't, but the dream still existed. It hung out on TV shows and the commercials that happened in between the shows and it crept in. So even when the reality didn't match what was going on around us or inside of us we had something to aspire to. We had something to work for. The house, the car, the dog, the yard, the white picket fence and the handsome partner to hang on our arm. And from this image we would sprout offspring who would be indoctrinated with the same dreams the same aspirations and the same goals. The catch here is that in order to obtain the dream we also would have to make a trade off, that trade off is what I call the 9 to 5'er. If you want the dream you have to trade your life energy for it. This all seems to make a lot of sense in a fair and just world. If you want something you have to do something to get it. And until recently I was living the dream. I was part of the collective consciousness of America and I believed in it. I believed in having all the stuff, making tons of money and retiring at leisure, except there was one or maybe a few fatal flaws in my thinking. The first was that the money I was making would always be paid to me on time and in full. The second was the work would always be available to me. As such I failed to plan. I was an over consumer with nothing more on my mind than love and relationships and happy endings and then before I knew it the bottom dropped out, but it happened slow. so slow that when I realized how deep it was there was a woman knocking on my door telling me that she was going to turn off my electric. Where's the dream in that? If I wrote her a check I knew it would bounce, but if I didn't my lights would get turned off. Daddy always told me to buy stock in Central Hudson.

It was that slap in the face day that woke me up to the reality of my particular situation and the days that followed weren't much better. Next came the car repo man and the collection calls and the dream turned into a nightmare from which I could not escape. This is not my beautiful life!

So you must be wondering how in the hell I got myself in so deep I didn't even know my electric was about to be terminated. The 2 words are hope and denial. Hope that a check would come to my door before the electric gestapo . Hope that I could juggle bills for another month before some one else came-a-knocking, but denial is the important word that I could never wrap my brain. my self talk reeked with it, "It will get better, it will get better." "They will pay me." "Work will pick up", and so on and so forth for months. It's hard to believe that people who owe you money won't pay it even if they know it means you will lose your house and your car and everything you've worked for, but believe it and have some kind of back up plan. I, for one, never did. At first I was pissed at myself for that, but I'm just not anymore.

I spoke to someone about my particular dilema several months prior and she asked me an odd question, a question which at the time didn't make sense. She asked me why I bought a house in the first place. I thought, "what a stupid question?" I answered because I've always wanted one, because I needed a place to live, because it was gifted to me from the universe. I mean really WTF? Then she said, "You thought you could buy security didn't you? But nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever permanent and basically the only constant is change." I didn't even want to hear that. Why do things have to change? why can't I live happily ever after in my little brick house with my dog and my shiny car in the driveway. I thought I was set, but the universe has a way of rearranging things just when you get comfortable. But was I really comfortable? Was I really happy working to pay my bills with a stinking quality of life that hadn't changed in years?

Are you happy with your life? Are you doing what you love and earning money doing it? Or are you always worried about what's got to be paid? Do thoughts of money occupy your mind more than 50% of the time? There is something wrong with that, I think and I feel like there is a way out of it, but that will come later....

So why am I the lone person on the internet openly discussing my foreclosure when millions of people are losing their homes? Well, there are some people openly asking for help or donations or whatever, this is not my purpose. See the thing is there is basically one school of thought on the whole bankruptcy, foreclosure topic. And it's this, if you have or are in either you should be ashamed of yourself, embarrassed and speak about it in whispers to your closest friends, all others are on a need to know basis and if anybody asks why you moved just make something up.

To that I say, nothing good or valuable has ever come out of shame and it never will. So I decided to come out of the closet. If your reading this and you want to come out of the closet too, have at it. Share your story here or elsewhere and maybe together we can create a new dream where the money comes from doing what we love and in a place where we embrace change as a constant and stop clinging to the illusion stability is real. I'm letting go of all my stuff can you?